Listening turned out just as hard and nauseatingly awkward as I had foreseen.
The problem with taking the steps needed to listen to the voice of God, is that if you give him an inch he wants a mile, or 10! One step is never terminal. One step is just the beginning leading to steps 5, 6, and 7. But you don’t see that at the start. What I thought was going to be a simple single gesture could now turned into an intricate dance. I just have to trust that my dance partner knows where he is leading.
And that peace I was expecting to find the other side of obedience, has yet to show up. Not only did I not find peace, but listening to THAT voice has created more anxiety as I am pulled into the will of God.
No, I did not find anxiety in the perfect will of God. I found it in the tension of my will and God’s will. It is in the clash of who I am and who will I be? The uncertainly is the reaction of a collision of the two. Like the charging masses of hot and cold air refusing to give the-right-of-way to the other, resulting in a cataclysmic display of thunder and lightening.
I am waiting for the tension to be released, to subside and dissipate realizing it only hangs around because I cling to it. I am the Creator of my own discomfort.
The alternative lies within my grasp… or just the opposite, in my release.
I have to let go and see where God’s will leads. Allowing the peace found in faithfulness to wash over me as ocean does the sand, saturating it, swirling it and rearranging it.
“Why do you insist on going against the grain?”
Acts 26:14 (msg)