Crap! I heard THAT little voice last night. No matter what I tried, reading, sleeping, working, it would not go away.
No, I did not skipped my meds.
I heard the familiar voice that guides me. The one I want to guide me. The one I did not have to learn to hear, because it is clear and unforgettable. It is the voice in my heart, head and soul that tells me what is good right and beautiful. The problem with this voice is it rarely leads me into what is easy. Just the opposite, it points me in the direction of the hard, gut wrenching, I-think-I-am-going-to-puke, painful way that tears at half healed wounds.
Why is the Spirit learning me into this agony? I don’t want to go!
I don’t know. But I know its unavoidable. I hear it is part of my process, my healing, my forgiving (Crap!). It is me. My calling and my gifting. Who can deny the desires of the Almighty God? Certainly not me, but I tried.
Last night I played the usual game:
“This is not really from God, its my own guilt.”
“This is a dumb idea. Who would willing invite people who have hurt them in the past to possibly do it again?”
“Debra will not appreciate this.”
“Even if I listen and obey, my motives for doing so are not right.”
If I listen to this voice I give up my right to complain, to make MY point, to wield truth as weapon.
If I listen to this voice I give up my power as the victim (perceived or real).
If I listen to this voice I give up my ability to hold a grudge.
If I listen to this voice I give up my pain and trade it for other’s.
If I listen, I have to give up.
I rationalize all my excuses to discount and ignore the voice of God I can find. Any excuse that can stand against the movement of God’s Sprint I will gladly employ. But alas, none can be found.
“Blessed are the peace makers” rings in my ears.
To be honest, I am looking forward to the peace that is to be found on the other side of obedience.